having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
