I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Randomize
