ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Randomize
