We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
