How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
