In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
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