I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize