So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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