I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
