tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I look excited, but its just a facade.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
