YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
