Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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