remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
