Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
