She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
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