My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
