Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
