Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
