my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize