i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
