just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize