just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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