genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
This is my gift to your gina
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
