I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Houston, we have a blender
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
