i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Randomize
