I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize