my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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