I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
