Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
My vagina just recognized that song.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
