he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
