I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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