I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
