I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
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