Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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