I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
