yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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