and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
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