I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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