Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
