proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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