the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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