I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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