my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Randomize
