Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
