Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize