I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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