yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
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