Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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