We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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