I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
