my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
