Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
