I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
My cat gives me a boner
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Randomize