I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
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