super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
