ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I AM VODKA MAN
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Randomize
