I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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