Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
