I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
