Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
